Duration of activity: 45 min
Learning objectives:
- To understand what constitutes assertive communication
- Practice assertive communication in situations where rights are being abused.
Materials needed:
- Copy of the list of statements for the participants
- Empty space in the room where the 4 ‘judges’ will sit
- 4 chairs for the judges and 4 chairs for participants
- A flipchart outlining in bullet form the 4 criteria of assertive communication: ‘I statements’, ‘clearly and specifically explaining what the issue is’, ‘explaining how the person feels or how they are impacted by the situation’, ‘stating what the demand/request/solution is’.
Step by step process of the activity:
- It is sometimes the case that when we need to express to our partners that we are feeling uncomfortable/hurt with a certain situation, we are unsure how to do it effectively. What’s more, we may find it difficult not to become aggressive, passive or passive aggressive. In this activity, we will explore positive and assertive communication using the methodology of the music game ‘Voice’. I will read a situation to which the first contestant will respond. Then, the judges will judge whether the response fulfils 4 criteria:
- I statements are used throughout the response
- The problem is clearly stated
- The person explains how they feel about what’s going on or how this situation is impacting them
- Stating what the request/demand is (what you need the other person to do about this)
- An example of this could be ‘I have noticed that you’re late again (stating the problem). I get really frustrated when I have to wait time and time again because you are often late. It makes me feel anxious and like I’m not a priority (explains feelings). Can you please be on time next time or I would appreciate it if you could text me in advance that you’re running late so I don’t have to wait for you in vain. (request is made)’
- Can we invite 4 of you to act as the ‘judges’ and 4 of you to be the ‘contestants’ , i.e. the ones who will practice assertive communication?
- The first ‘judge’ will evaluate if ‘I’ statements were used, the second judge if the problem was explained clearly and specifically, the third will evaluate whether the person made it clear how they feel or how they are impacted by the situation and the fourth judge will evaluate if a demand/request was made.
- Once the 8 volunteers take their place, ask the ‘judges’ to turn the chairs backwards so the 4 ‘contestants’ see their backs.
- Start with the first contestant and read out the first situation. Ask them to respond to the person using the 4 principles of assertive communication. Give them a couple of minutes to think of an appropriate response. Once the contestant responds, ask the first judge to turn their chair if the contestant fulfilled the first criterion, then ask the 2nd judge to turn if the contestant fulfilled the second criterion and so on, till all the judges turn or not. You can play some ‘drum roll’ music in between, while judges are taking their time to turn or not turn.
- Invite the judges to explain why the turned or why they didn’t (for instance, how did the contestant explain the problem, what was not so effective in the demand they made etc.). Discuss with plenary some other possible ways the contestant could respond, making a better use of the 4 steps of assertive communication. Estimate each round to take not more than 8 minutes
- The next contestant then has a go, then the next and so on.
- If you have time you can repeat this process one more time, asking 8 new volunteers to take the positions of judges and contestants.
Facilitation questions for reflection and debriefing: 10 min
- How was this process for you?
- Was it easy/difficult to think of an assertive response? Was it easy/difficult to recognize an assertive response?
- Why was it easy/difficult?
- What makes it difficult sometimes to be assertive towards a partner ?
- How are the above barriers limiting a person for standing up for themselves? What is the impact of not using assertive communication you think?
| Take home messages and activity wrap up: Assertive communication is not easy. Some people refrain from using assertive communication because cultural expectations may make them think that being assertive is rude. Other people refrain from being assertive out of fear that the partner may get angry, or out of lack of awareness/skill in standing up for oneself, feeling that their demands/requests will not be taken into account or because there is coercive control in the relationship, there is essentially no space for assertive communication. While being assertive doesn’t come easy, it becomes better with practice. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to say what you think without being scared or worried. Remember, you have the right to say how you feel. A good partner/friend should respect this, even if it means that you disagree with them. For instance, try saying how you feel when you’re asked for a nude or sexual message. Put out your demands for feeling safe, respected and for your privacy to be valued. By assertively claiming what we need or what we need to change in our relationships, we can help make our relationships/sexual or romantic encounters safer and healthier. Extra tips on being assertive [1] Start with your posture. Put your shoulders back, stand up straight, put your chin up, and make good eye contact with the person you’re speaking to. Even if you’re not having a conversation face to face and you’re calling or texting, your posture is still important because it ‘boosts you up’. Be careful of how you use words: don’t blame the other person and don’t become rude Even though it may be difficult, try to control your feelings as much as possible. If you’re rude, unkind, or if you’re angry, swearing, saying nasty things and shouting, then you are being aggressive. Aggressive behaviourcan hurt other people, and it might cause you more problems. Pick your moment. Staying calm is the most important way to be assertive without getting aggressive. Pick a good time to have your conversation. Don’t try to start a difficult conversation if you are feeling tired, tense, angry, agitated or hungry. If you feel yourself getting really frustrated or angry, try and calm down by taking some slow deep breaths. If you feel you’re losing control, it might be better to end the conversation and revisit another time. Being assertive gets better with practice. You can always ask a friend or a person you trust to practice a situation with you first. Sometimes acting ‘as if’ you feel really confident can help you feel stronger inside. |
| Adapting the activity for online implementation ● This activity can practically be implemented online almost as it is. ● You can start by preselecting the ‘judges’ (asking for volunteers). ● Pre-selected volunteers take the place of the contestants. Present the ‘situation’ each contestant has to respond to, in PPT in plenary, so all participants can have a look. ● Ask the judges to vote (one by one) , either by raising a piece of coloured paper to indicate their positive/negative vote or by pressing the thumps up button. ● Enhance the anticipation by playing a drum roll at the background till the judges cast their vote. ● Wrap up the activity in plenary, using the facilitation questions for reflection and debriefing. |
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