Dino and Farez

Adapted from the activity ‘Linda and Larry Communicating messages and assumptions,” by Jay Friedman and Nancy Abbey. In the book: Filling the Gaps: Hard to Teach Topics in Sexuality Education, SIECUS (1998).

Duration of activity: 50–60 min

Learning objectives:

Develop awareness of the conditions that really constitute consent : consent is always a choice, always active, based on equal power and a process
Explore how making assumptions can place a young person at significant risk
Understand that clear communication is a critical factor in making healthy decisions about sexuality

Materials needed:

The handouts ‘Dino’s story’ and ‘Farez’s story’

Recommended prior reading:

Step by step process of the activity: (35 min)

Divide the group in 4 smaller groups , using a fun, interactive energizer (5 min)
Two groups will receive the handout with Dino’s story and the other two groups will receive the handout with Farez’s story.
Give some time to the groups to read the stories and then discuss their understanding of the stories with their group. To facilitate the discussion in the group, they can discuss the questions included in the handouts. Give the groups 10-15 minutes to do so.
Read out Dino’s story and ask the groups who had this story to reflect on their discussion and share with the plenary their answers to the questions. Most importantly, the two groups need to mention how they think Dino experienced the incidence and what she is thinking. Explain to the groups who had Farez’s story that they will have their turn to give their ‘side of the story’
Now read out Farez’s story and invite the groups who discussed this story to share their own understanding about what happened.
Continue the discussion using the facilitation questions below:

Facilitation questions for reflection and debriefing: (20 min)

Now that you have heard both sides of the story, what do you think happened?
Why are Dino and Farez both equally confused?
How do their outlooks on the situation differ?
What assumptions were made by either of them? What ‘myths’ did they believe?
What is the risk of making assumptions when it comes to sexual activity?
Do you think Dino is at fault in any way? Did he send mixed messages to Farez?
What could have helped Dino and Farez so they could have avoided this situation they are in? Would you classify this incidence as an incidence of sexual assault or not?
To classify an incidence as sexual assault, do the intentions of the persons matter?
To understand whether an incidence constitutes sexual assault or not, it is important to identify whether there was consent. Do you think there was consent in this case?
How can we know for sure we have consent?

Take home messages and activity wrap up:

Sometimes people believe or assume something is true without confirmation. Dino assumed that Farez ‘would be the perfect gentleman and not take advantage of him’ while Farez assumed that Dino’s whispering ‘I want you’ and his invitation to lie down together was an invitation for sexual activity. Farez may not have intended to hurt Dino on purpose. However, because he did not respect his boundaries and because he did not have meaningful consent, he crossed the line and the way he acted is sexual assault.

In addition, expressing sexual desire should never be used as an excuse to blame someone for sexual abuse. We all have the right to lead pleasurable sex lives, express desire and seek pleasure but in ways that we feel comfortable with. Sex is pleasurable when we have consent. Consent needs to be a conscious choice, a clear, verbal ‘yes’ and take place in a situation of equal power. Consent is also a process and entails open and clear communication between partners.

Tips for facilitators:

Since both stories are presented, it is very natural for young people to identify with each of the characters. Some young people may feel the need to take Farez’s side and may blame Dino for leading him on . Challenge victim blaming attitudes as they only perpetuate the violence. Some young people may take Dino’s side and talk rudely of Farez. Do not preach or moralize. Provide clear, accurate, balanced messages. Your task is to provide information to young people, who are learning to be independent and mature, and help them learn how to draw conclusions and make decisions. Explain that the point is not to hate Farez but to understand the dynamics of sexual abuse in relation to consent and how we communicate it to each other. Open, clear and truthful verbal communication and avoid making assumptions, ensures consent.

Adapting the activity for online implementation

● The activity can be modified in two ways. You can first present Dino’s story (on PPT or the Word file on shared screen) and discuss it in plenary; then present Farez’s story and discuss the differences in perspective between the two stories. To further engage the participants, you can ask two volunteers to read each of the stories, instead of just showing it on screen.

● Alternatively, you can split the participants in two groups in breakout rooms, with one group discussing Dino’s story and the other discussing Farez’s story. The groups then come in plenary and discuss the differences in perspective.

● To further intrigue participants and engage them in the discussion, you can run an electronic poll as to whether they think that this incidence is an incidence of sexual assault, and use their answers as a trigger to wrap up the workshop using the reflection questions in the debriefing section.