Green light, red light: recognizing the warning signs of intimate partner abuse

Duration of activity: 45-60 min

Learning objectives:

Recognize the characteristics of positive, happy and healthy relationships contrary to the characteristics of unhealthy ones
Describe skills, attitudes and behaviours that are needed to create and sustain positive, pleasurable and healthy relationships
Recognize the early warning signs of unhealthy/toxic relationships
Recognize how the early warning signs, if go unnoticed, often escalate to violence and abuse.

Materials needed:

Index cards with statements, cut out and piled together. Use the same pack of index cards for each group
White tag/Sellotape for each group so they can stick the index cards on the flipchart paper
Flipchart stand, flipchart paper and markers

Recommended prior reading:

Step by step process of the activity:

Introduction: In order to develop positive, happy and healthy relationships, we need to be able to recognize when a relationship is becoming unhealthy, toxic or destructive. Problems might start from something seemingly “trivial” which may escalate to violence and abuse.
In the following activity we will be looking at attitudes and behaviours in relationships and deciding if they are positive/good/healthy (Green Light), worrisome (Yellow Light) or toxic/unhealthy/ abusive (Red Light)
Split the plenary in 4 smaller groups give each group an identical stack of index cards
Ask each group to draw a set of traffic lights on a big piece of paper (flipchart paper) and to try to make their drawing cover the whole paper.
Invite each group to discuss among themselves and decide what attitudes/behaviours they would put under “Green Light,” “Yellow Light,” and “Red Light”. Ask them to separate the index cards under each ‘traffic light’ according to whether they feel each statement fits best. (15-20 min)
As the groups are working on the task, go around the groups and help out, prompt the group with questions to provide food for thought or just observe what is going on
When the groups complete the categorization of the index cards, ask them to share in plenary the criteria they used to separate the various statements under each ‘light’.
Invite the first group to present their own ‘traffic lights’ and display their flipchart. Then ask the second to present only the differences in their categorization, then the third group and son on (15 min). Each time there is an index card that is ‘disputed’ or that has been classified differently ask the groups to take it out and place it on a separate flipchart. Explain that you will come back to these index cards later and you will discuss the ‘disputed’ statements all together.
Wrap up the activity using the discussion questions below

Facilitation questions for reflection and debriefing: (20-25 min)

Here is what we all have agreed that constitutes the green light in our relationships, attitudes/behaviours that we feel create happy, positive, pleasurable, healthy relationships. (read out the statements under green light). Do you agree with these? Is there anything else you’d like to add or feel it is missing? Anything you’d like to change? (if they want to change something, move it to the extra flipchart of disputed statements) Are there any cards from the extra flipchart that you would like to move under green light? How about this….? (you can propose a few that feel stand out).
And here is what we all identified as being the red light in our relationships, attitudes/behaviours that make us feel unhappy, bad, unsafe or that our relationship is becoming toxic or abusive. Do you agree with these? Is there anything else you’d like to add or feel it is missing? Anything you’d like to change? (if they want to change something, move it to the extra flipchart of disputed statements). Are there any cards from the extra flipchart that you would like to move under red light? How about this….?
What does it mean for a person if their relationship is at the red light?
If a person’s relationship is in the ‘read light’ what can they do?
And now we come to the yellow light which is the most important part. What do you think the yellow light represents?
If I tell you that the yellow light represents the warning sign that a relationship is becoming unhealthy or toxic, how do you understand this?
With this in mind, would you categorize what you put under yellow light differently? How about our disputed statements? Does anything from here go under yellow?
Why is the ‘yellow light’ important? How can it be helpful?
Why is ‘yellow light’ the most disputable part of a relationship? Do you think it is difficult sometimes for a person to recognize that they are in an unhealthy relationship? Why is this so?
Yellow light sometimes turns into red but it also turns into green. How can we turn yellow light back to green?
What did you learn from this exercise? Did you gain something that you could apply to your life and to your relationships?

Take home messages and activity wrap up:

In a positive relationship, when we are in the ‘green zone’ we feel good, happy, comfortable, safe, good about ourselves, we feel trusted and respected– we are not scared nor feel insecure. Sometimes, a relationship may start showing signs that it is not so positive anymore and these are the warning signs that the relationship may become unhealthy, toxic or abusive. This is the ‘yellow’ zone. However, these are the behaviours we most often tend to bypass or dismiss as insignificant.

Some people might feel that they are so infatuated by the other person or so much in love that even if there are problems they are unable to see them. Behaviours that fall under the warning signs are also ‘normalized’ : they are considered the norm in the relationship, or people tend to just accept that this is how things between them ‘work’. This is however very risky because such behaviours often escalate to seriously abusive behaviours. It is important to recognize the warning signs of toxicity/abuse in our relationship and take action before it is too late. Have an open and honest communication with your partner about you feel and ask them to respect your needs, your feelings, your space, your privacy and your rights. Try to restore a sense of equality and mutual respect in the relationship. Talk to other people who can help, like friends, trusted adults or youth services. It is true that relationships can take different forms and each relationship is unique. People may have different perceptions as to what constitutes a “good” and ‘positive’ relationship for them. Generally, relationships based on equality and not on power and control are healthy relationships.

If our relationship is in the red zone, we need to protect ourselves immediately. We need to reach out to people who can help, so we can explore our options: friends, trusted adults, school/university counsellors, youth services, online helplines or chat services, psychologists etc.

Each one of us deserves to feel safe and happy in our relationships and don’t deserve any less. So it is important that we assert our rights and demand that our partners respect these rights.

Tips for facilitators:

Pick the statements below that you feel are more appropriate for your target group. 40 statements are too many for the group to go through and sort in 15 -20 minutes. Usually 25 statements would be more than adequate.

The sorting in yellow light below is indicative. It can be the case that some people strongly feel that such behaviours belong in the red zone and are completely unacceptable for them. Don’t argue with the participants too much. The important thing is not to classify these behaviours in the ‘right’ way as there is no ‘right’ classification per se. The aim of the activity is for young people to recognize unhealthy/toxic behaviours and be encouraged to act upon them before things escalate.

Tips for adapting the activity and follow up:

Feel free to pick the statements that mostly fit your local context and your target group.

Adapting the activity for online implementation

● This activity works very well as an online quiz, where each statement can be followed by a red, yellow or green light for participants to choose from.

● Instead of aiming to group the various statements under red, yellow and green, and then looking at the totality of the greens, yellows and reds, an easier way would be to discuss each statement individually and classify it as a stand-alone.

● Remember that the most important aspect of this activity is not the ‘correct’ classification but for participants to understand what constitutes a healthy/happy relationship and how not to ignore the early (‘yellow’ )warning signs. Ultimately, we’re aiming for participants to be able to identify these warning signs early in the relationship and take immediate action before it is too late.

● If you would prefer not to use an online quiz, you can use the worksheet with the statements as it is included in the activity and ask participants to work on it in small groups in breakout rooms.