Let’s make intimate relationships ‘fly’

Methodology inspired and adapted from the manual GEAR against IPV”. Booklet III: Teacher’s Manual. (Rev. ed.). Athens: European Anti-Violence Network

Duration of activity: 45 min

Learning objectives:

To help young people:
Recognize the characteristics of positive intimate relationships on the basis of equality, mutual respect, happiness and pleasure and explore how people can build relationships on these characteristics
Describe characteristics, attitudes and behaviours that are needed to create and sustain positive relationships
Explore the characteristics, attitudes and behaviours that make relationships unhealthy or toxic

Materials needed:

Big pieces of paper (like flipchart paper or bigger) for drawing
Coloured pencils and markers

Step by step process of the activity:

Explain to young people that in this activity we will explore the characteristics that make up good, positive, healthy, happy and pleasurable intimate/romantic relationships and the characteristics that make relationships unhealthy or toxic.
Divide the plenary into smaller groups of 6 people in a fun and interactive way
Ask each group to grab a big piece of paper (flipchart paper) and colouredpencils/markers and explain that they will need to depict the characteristics of positive and negative (toxic) romantic/intimate relationships in a drawing. (25 min).
For instance, you can draw the picture of a hot air balloon. Explain that the hot air balloon needs certain prerequisites so it can fly , for instance hot air. If the balloon is the relationship, what characteristics, attitudes and behaviourswould help this relationship be a positive one and ‘fly’? Write these characteristics where the hot air is.
It is also possible that the hot-air balloon may be hit by a storm or a flock of birds which may damage it. Similarly, what attitudes/behaviours can make a romantic/intimate relationship toxic or unhealthy? Draw a storm and lightning hitting the hot air balloon and indicate that the characteristics of an unhealthy/toxic relationships would go here.
Invite the groups to make their own drawings and depict on them attitudes and behaviours that contribute to relationships being positive and attitudes/behaviours that contribute to relationships being toxic or unhealthy. They need to think at least 5 positive attitudes/behaviours and 5 negative ones.
Invite the groups to use different ‘shapes’ to depict relationships for instance boats, cars, trains etc. , anything they like.
To help them put the following questions on the flipchart and ask the groups to go through them when thinking of corresponding attitudes/behaviours:
- Positive/healthy relationships: What attitudes/behaviours help make an intimate relationship feel happy? Positive? Healthy? Equal? Fulfilling?
- How about pleasure? What role does pleasure have in positive relationships? How can partners derive pleasure in and from their relationships?
- Toxic/unhealthy relationships: What attitudes/behaviours make an intimate relationship feel unhappy? Unhealthy? Toxic?
While the groups are working, go around the groups and prompt their thinking further.
Once the groups finish with their work, have a display of the posters around the room for everyone to go around and see. (10 min)
Wrap up the activity with a debriefing, using the questions below.

Facilitation questions for reflection and debriefing: (10 min)

What did you notice when looking at positive and negative aspects of relationships on the posters?
Did anything particularly stand out for you?
Was it easy or difficult for you to think about pleasure in relationships? Why was this so?
What makes relationships pleasurable?
How can we build healthy, positive, equal, happy, respectful relationships with our partner(s)? What do we need to do?
And how can we derive pleasure in and from our intimate relationships?
Are pleasurable relationships always about sex?
What did you learn from this activity? What is the take-home message for you?

Take home messages and activity wrap up:

It is often the case that we may lack the knowledge and skills to establish healthy, equal, pleasurable and fulfilling intimate relationships. Towards this end, it is essential to not only focus on the negative aspects of a relationship that is unhealthy or toxic, but also to explore how they can build positive/healthy relationships.

Invite young people to think of specific attitudes/behaviours that make people feel happy and good. For instance, among other things, during the debriefing bring up mutual respect, communication and sharing, honesty, not having your freedom be limited and not limiting the freedom of your partner, allowing each other to be themselves, accepting each other as we are, treating the other person as an equal and being treated equally, engaging in an equal give and take, each person feels good about themselves, feeling safe and expressing care, understanding and openness etc.

In relation to pleasure, encourage young people to also think of:
having pleasurable sex and feeling good about/during/after sex
overcoming embarrassment and talking openly with our partners about what we like and don’t like
pleasurable sex is always consensual: there needs to be mutual, voluntary agreement to sex and certain sexual acts and really wanting to do it
nobody feels that their boundaries have been overstepped
there is mutual respect, trust, understanding, active listening so both partners can explore what they enjoy or not enjoy
pleasurable sex is safe sex (free from violence, coercion and with precautions for unplanned pregnancy/STIs)

And lastly, pleasurable relationships are not only about sex. A relationship is pleasurable when it feels safe, when there is mutual respect, equality, trust, care, open communication, when partners are not limiting each other’s personality or freedom etc., as per the positive behaviours/attitudes that were mentioned above.

Tips for facilitators:

Pleasure may be a difficult concept for young people to reflect on, because it is still largely considered a taboo. You can reflect on this fact and also on how by not discussing or seeking pleasure in our relationships we limit ourselves and our relationships from ‘flying’. When discussing pleasure encourage young people to think openly and without shame. Remind them that they are in a safe environment where they can express themselves openly and without judgement. Young people may relate directly pleasure to sex and mention words like ‘making your partner cum’ or ‘dirty sex’ etc. As long as they are not becoming offensive, allow young people to express themselves openly as this gives a message that is talking about pleasure and fun should not be a taboo.

Adapting the activity for online implementation

● You can implement this activity online very similar to the way you would have implemented it in person, however asking participants to prepare their drawing individually rather than in small groups.

● Once the participants complete their drawing you can ask those who feel comfortable to share them in front of the camera.

● You can hold a ‘brain storming’ session after all drawings have been presented using a digital board (like the ‘Whiteboard’ in Zoom, or Padlet, Slido, Mentimeter, Scrumblr or the platform you feel most comfortable with) about positive/healthy relationships and toxic/unhealthy relationships.

● You can wrap up the discussion in plenary using the questions in the ‘facilitation questions for reflection and debriefing’ section.