The wheel of abuse and the wheel of equality

Methodology inspired and adapted from the manual GEAR against IPV”. Booklet III: Teacher’s Manual.
(Rev. ed.). Athens: European Anti-Violence Network

Duration of Activity: 60 min

Learning objectives:

To identify the various kinds of abusive behaviours that can be used to gain power and control over a partner both online and offline
To identify the tactics of relationship violence
To counteract these negative/toxic/abusive behaviours with behaviours of equality within a relationship

Recommended prior readings:

Materials needed:

16 ‘Slices’ of the wheels, cut out. On each slide, write one of the different headings, such as:
‘Psychological and emotional abuse’, ‘Stalking’, ‘Intimidation’, ‘Humiliation’, ‘Threats’, ‘Limitation of freedom’ , ‘Violation of privacy’, ‘Isolation’
‘Non-threatening behaviour’, ‘Trust and support’, ‘Mutual Respect’, ‘Freedom’, ‘Positive communication’, ‘Honesty and accountability’, ‘Equal and Shared power’, ‘Personal growth and pleasure’
2 Flipchart papers prepared beforehand, one with the heading ‘The Power and Control Wheel’ and the other with the heading ‘The Equality Wheel’
Scotch tape
Markers
Pens

Step by step process of the activity:

Divide the group into 4 smaller groups with a fun, interactive energizer activity
Introduction: Draw the picture of two wheels on the flipchart and say: ‘If we could imagine an abusive relationship as a wheel, let’s explore what could constitute the different parts of this wheel. In juxtaposition, we have the wheel of equality in a relationship. We will also explore the different aspects that create this wheel of equality.
Give each group 4 wheel slices: explain that 2 will be used for the wheel of power and control and 2 for the wheel of equality
Ask young people to brainstorm in their groups and create a list of behaviours that fit each of the headings in the slices. They have 20 minutes to complete all 4 slices.
While the groups are working on their ‘slices’, go around the groups to monitor their progress and help out by asking some probing questions
Once the groups finish their work, invite them to come back to plenary and explain that you will first create the wheel of power and control.
Invite a person from each group to present their 2 slices and then stick the slices one next to each other on the flipchart, so the different parts of the wheel will start forming. (10-15 min).
Invite the other groups to add any other behaviours under these slices . Also feel free to add any other behaviours which you think are important and have not been mentioned by participants (some examples are listed below in the ‘take home messages’ section)
The groups go on, one by one, until the wheel has been completed.
Once the wheel of control and power has been completed you can ask the following questions: (10 min)
- Can you comment on the picture that you see?
- What do you think this wheel represents?
- Why was power and control depicted in a wheel format? What does the shape of the wheel signify about these behaviours?
- Can one single act constitute violence?
- Are there some forms of violence that someone may consider ‘less significant’ than others? Which ones are these?
- How does this perception change when these ‘less significant’ forms of abuse are viewed within the overall picture of the wheel of power and control?

Let’s now go to the ‘Wheel of equality’. In the same manner, can a spokesperson from each group come up to present their two slices (10 min)
Continue forming the wheel of equality, by sticking the slices one next to each other.
The groups go on one by one, until all slices have been presented.
You can then ask the following questions (10 min)
- What does this wheel represent?
- If you feel you have the behaviours of one of these slices in your relationship but the rest of the slices are missing, would you still classify this relationship as equal, healthy, positive and pleasurable?
- How can we sustain the wheel of equality in our relationships?
- Do you think it is possible to go from the wheel of abuse to the wheel of equality? How can this be done?
- What can young people do to ensure they can have equal, healthy, positive and pleasurable relationships?

Take home messages and activity wrap up:

Relationship violence (dating/intimate partner violence) is a pattern of different acts or tactics. By themselves, when viewed in isolation, the tactics may or may not be abusive or they may be considered ‘insignificant’, ‘minor’ or ‘trivial’. When these behaviours are used in conjunction with each other, however, they form a pattern of behaviours that affirm a person’s control over their partner. Having this power over someone, ensures that the abuse will continue to take place and may escalate in severity.

Various kinds of behaviour sustain this power and control. The ones we explored here include:

● Psychological and emotional abuse:
◦ yelling or screaming
◦ name-calling, abusive and obscene characterizations both online and offline
◦ using degrading, belittling remarks, both online and offline, to undermine the partner’s sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem.
◦ criticizing or diminishing the partner’s accomplishments or goals
not trusting the partner’s decision-making
◦ constantly questioning the partner and making them feel worthless
◦ saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and using substance abuse as an excuse to say the hurtful things
◦ blaming the partner for the abuse or for how the abuser is acting/feeling
◦ making the partner feel completely dependent, trapped and that there is no way out of the relationship
◦ harassing or threatening the partner on social media
◦ deliberately using «likes» on posts or posting certain pictures/comments to deliberately ‘get back’ at the partner or to take revenge
◦ sending degrading / insulting / threatening messages via mobile phone or via social media
posting offensive/degrading comments about the partner to expose them in public (somewhere where other people can read it)

● Stalking:
◦ Stalking involves any unwanted repeated contact that makes a person feel scared or harassed. Stalking of an intimate/ dating partner can take place during the relationship, with intense monitoring of the partner’s activities. Or stalking can take place after a partner has left the relationship in an effort to win the partner back or punish then for leaving. Some examples include:
◦ excessive checking-up on the partner, both online and offline either by following the partner around or by calling, texting or using social media to constantly reach them
◦ spying on the partner
◦ showing up uninvited at the partner’s house, school, or work
◦ leaving the partner unwanted gifts
◦ sending unwanted, frightening, or obscene emails, text messages, or instant messages
◦ tracking the partner’s computer and internet use
◦using technology (GPS, apps etc.) to track where the partner is

● Intimidation:
◦ threatening or intimidating the partner in order to gain compliance
◦ trying to scare partner by smashing things, yelling, driving recklessly, or with looks and gestures
◦ destruction of the partner’s personal property and possessions, or threats to do so
◦ violence towards an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the partner, as a way of instilling fear of further violence

● Humiliation
◦ Laughing at, mocking, teasing, ridiculing or making the partner look stupid or foolish both in person and online, privately and/or publicly
◦ Falsely accusing the partner in an effort to ridicule them
◦ Publicly shaming them, disrespecting, downgrading them so as they would suffer a loss of image
◦ Overlooking them, taking them for granted, ignoring them, giving them the silent treatment, treating them as invisible, making them wait unnecessarily and generally treating them as an object

● Threats
◦ threatening to harm partner, their friends or family.
◦ threats to get partner in trouble with family, friends or school.
◦ threats to expose partner : ‘outing’ the partner on the basis of their gender, gender identity or expression, sexual identity or diversity in sex characteristics, without the partner’s consent
◦ threats to expose partner to the police, i.e. in the case of sex workers
◦ threats for self-harm or to kill oneself if the partner leaves, breaks up the relationship or doesn’t do as asked

● Limitation of freedom:
◦ insisting on making all the decisions in the relationship
◦ excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family
◦ control of activity in social media, in terms of monitoring posts, shares, likes, tags, who the followers are and asking partner to delete certain pictures
◦ controlling what the partner does, where they are and who they are with either by monitoring activity in social media or by constant texting or calling
◦ controlling what the partner wears and how they look
◦ pressuring partner to use alcohol or drugs.

● Violating privacy
◦ insisting on having the passwords in social media accounts to check partner’s personal messages and to «block» some of followers
◦ checking partner’s mobile phone and go through the partner’s personal staff (bag, lockers, personal belongings etc.)

● Isolation
◦ pressuring the partner to choose between the relationship and their friends/family
◦ Pressures them to quit hobbies, interests and activities (online and offline).
◦ isolating them from social media activity, by limiting activity, asking for certain followers to be blocked and by sending rude/ offensive message to followers by pretending to be the partner

On the juxtaposition is the equality wheel and this represents how relationships can be happy, healthy, equal, positive, pleasurable and safe. The characteristics that make up these types of behaviours include:

● Non-threatening behaviour: Talking and acting with kindness, respect and consideration; open to listen and to talk things through; emitting that they feel secure (as opposed to insecure); comfortable expressing themselves and doing things.
● Trust and support: not doubting the partner; having space in the relationship where each person can do their own staff; responding with honesty; supporting their decisions; caring for their wellbeing and their own personal growth and development.
● Mutual Respect: Acknowledging your partner for who they are and not trying to change them; accepting and respecting their gender identity, gender expression, sexual identity and all aspects of their identity; acknowledging your partner’s needs; listening and responding to them without judgement; respecting their right to their own feelings, friends and activities; being emotionally affirming and understanding; valuing the other person’s opinions; respecting their privacy
● Freedom: you both have time to ‘breathe’; you have the space to spend time with other people like your friends and family; you have complete freedom of movement, autonomy and equal decision making; you express your thoughts and needs freely without being judged; you feel free to express your gender and sexual identity and you feel your identity is valued and accepted
● Positive communication: you talk freely, openly and truthfully; you listen to each other without judgement and with consideration and respect; you have the space and freedom to express your feelings, your opinions and your needs; you talk things through, try to resolve your differences and address toxic behaviours in your relationship; you constantly try to make things better for each other.
● Honesty and accountability: you are always honest with each other; you are not afraid to speak openly about your feelings, your needs and your disappointments even; you deliver what you promise and you’re a person of your word; you trust each other; you take ownership and apologize for your mistakes.
● Equal and Shared power: making decisions together; treating the partner as an equal and their thoughts, opinions and needs are equally valued; respecting each other’s decisions and needs.
● Personal growth and pleasure: Respecting your partner’s personal identity and encouraging their individual growth and freedom. Supporting their security in their own worth.
For us to be truly happy in our relationships it is important that all the slices of the wheel of equality coexist and are present. Thus it is important that we actively pursue these qualities in our relationships by having an open and honest discussion with our partners , where we can put forth our needs and boundaries. Discussing how we feel and also putting our own boundaries of respect, equality, freedom and equal and shared power provides room for change. However, while change is possible in some relationships, it may not be possible in others.

If young people feel they are in an abusive relationship, they need to break their silence and isolation and reach out to others who can help. By sharing what is going on with a friend, a trusted person, a professional, a helpline, an online counselling service etc. they can feel that they are not alone and most importantly they can explore their options.

Expected Outcome

The power and control wheel

Equality Wheel

Adapting the activity for online implementation

● When you implement this activity online, you can work in plenary, filling each ‘slice’ as a brainstorming session on Mentimeter, Padlet or the Whiteboard for instance. For some online platforms, there is the limitation that you can work on a few slides only, so you may need to create a new quiz or presentation per ‘slice’.
● Alternatively, you can break participants in breakout rooms and each breakout room works on 2 slices of abuse. You then resume in plenary, where you can work on putting together the wheel of equality/wheel of abuse on an online platform (Mentimeter, Padlet, Slido, Google doc etc.). Another idea is to present the pictures of the Wheel of Abuse (headings only) and the Wheel of Equality (headings only) on PPT and you can fill them in with participants responses.
● Follow up with the discussion, using the discussion questions
● If you are working asynchronously, the different ‘slices’ can be allocated to specific participants beforehand as homework. They are then presented and discussed in plenary when you have your training session.

Links to additional resources and information:

Fundamental Rights Agency: Violence against women: an EU-wide survey. Results at a glance. Downloadable at: https://fra.europa.eu/en/publication/2014/violence-against-women-eu-wide-survey-results-glance

GEAR against IPV. Booklet III: Teacher’s Manual. (2016.). Athens: European Anti-Violence Network. Downloadable at https://www.gear-ipv.eu/