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Toolkit / Part 03 / Chapter 14

Breaking the cycle of SGBV

To break the cycle of sexual and gender-based violence it is important that we do not to condone acts of violence, don’t make excuses for abusers and avoid victim-blaming. Most importantly, we cannot remain silent nor idle. Addressing relationship violence and challenging off-line and online sexist, homophobic/transphobic/interphobic and discriminatory/hurtful language and behaviours (that degrade women/girls, LGBTIQ+ individuals and persons from marginalized groups) gives the message that such acts should not be tolerated and that they constitute serious human rights violations.

Unfortunately, many forms of SGBV have too long been ignored, bypassed and diminished in importance, creating a culture and an environment where such behaviours were accepted.  SGBV degrades women, LGBTIQ+ individuals and all marginalized groups (such as Roma, people with disability, migrants, sex workers, people living with HIV) reflecting how society has historically placed these groups in second-class and less privileged positions, thus resulting in multiple layers of discrimination and oppression. By reflecting this reality and encouraged young people not only to challenge SGBV but to take an active stance against it, we help put women and girls, LGBTIQ+ persons , and other vulnerable groups “in their rightful place” in society where they can assert and fully enjoy their rights. 

Institutional and Community Response to SGBV

While the remaining sections, explore how individuals can react towards SGBV, an institutional response to preventing and combating SGBV is not only necessary but also vital. Community groups and NGOs who work with specific communities at risk of SGBV can act as a bridge to bringing institutional responses down to the communities, by implementing programs in partnership with the state, engaging in advocacy and providing direct (peer to peer) community support. Institutional and community response can take the form of:

  • Complete criminalization of all forms of verbal, physical, mental and financial violence against women, LGBTIQ+ persons, people with disability, individuals that belong to ethnic minorities and all marginalized groups.
  • Implementation of the country’s commitments under the international conventions such as the Convention on the Elimination of all Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW), the  Istanbul Convention, the European Union Directives on Women Victims of Violence and the Lanzarote convention on the protection from sexual abuse and sexual exploitation.
  • Systematically gather data or information on different forms of SGBV, document and monitor these forms violence, so as the state and all relevant stakeholders can have a clear and complete picture of the extent of the problem. This will also enable targeted interventions to be designed and their implementation and progress to be monitored.
  • Designing interventions that are holistic in nature, i.e. are community-based (by community here we mean the targeted vulnerable population at hand); empower the community to act by build awareness, skills, knowledge and support systems within and outside the community; include provision of health and psychological services; work with the legal and justice sectors and establish partnerships with a wide range of groups and institutions
  • Sensitizing police officers, medical professionals, social workers, health professionals and educators about women’s rights, gender equality, gender and sexual diversity, SGBV, and its impact and the need for responses that fully safeguard people’s rights.
  • Interventions implemented in health settings that go beyond medical care, but which provide information, link to other resources and support services and psychological support.
  • Media campaigns to raise awareness of, and attitudinal change towards SGBV.
  • Advocacy to (i) change laws and policies that are discriminatory or don’t provide adequate and equal access to justice for women and marginalized groups (ii) change law-enforcement practices that harass or abuse women and people with diverse SOGIESC and deny them their human rights (iii) build institutional accountability for existing laws and policies upholding human rights of women and all marginalized groups (iv) countering stigma and discrimination against people with diverse SOGIESC.
  • Advocacy to provide information and guidance to people experiencing SGBV and abuse to enable them to access support and services and to ensure that their rights are achieved.
  • Implementation of mandatory comprehensive Sex education in schools
  • Training and sensitizing marginalized groups their human rights and the legal framework that protects them from violence and abuse.
  • Community prevention programs targeting specific populations at high risk aiming to raise awareness and build knowledge and skills through training, experiential and group learning. Community programs also need to include provision of counselling and psychological support for people who are survivors of SGBV
  • Interventions targeting the people who are exercising SGBV such as programs targeting perpetrators of IPV aiming to change attitudes/behaviours and reduce or eliminate further violence, even though the effectiveness of such programs is largely questioned.

●  14.1. A path to safety

What can you do if you are experiencing SGBV?

Because of the normalization and dynamics of sexual and gender-based violence, it is not always easy to recognize how certain behaviours can become seriously abusive, which may result in you underestimating the amount and type of danger you might be in. Toxic and abusive behaviours tend to escalate, with violence becoming more serious and more hurtful as time goes by, especially if the early warning signs of abuse are not identified as such and addressed. If you are experiencing any form of SGBV, there are various steps you can take to protect yourself and minimize or escape the abuse.

It is important to first estimate if you are in any immediate danger

How likely is it that someone will hurt you? Most of the time it is very difficult to identify the level of risk for yourself. If you’re unsure about your safety, it is important to talk to someone who can help. Professional services such as counselling services, community clinics, youth centres, online support services or helplines, online support for survivors of intimate partner violence/domestic violence can all help you explore your options. Most helplines operate on a 24-hour basis and are accessible any time of the day.

If needed, get medical support

If you have been injured, physically hurt or sexually assaulted, contact emergency services or visit your nearest hospital emergency department. They can ensure you’re physically okay, tend to your injuries and in some cases even connect you to other services which can help.

Find support to help you cope with your feelings 

It is hard to maintain your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth if you’re constantly in a situation that belittles you, humiliates you and hurts you both emotionally and physically. It is also common to want to blame yourself for the violence you’re experiencing. Remember that it is never okay for someone to belittle you, hurt you or threaten to hurt you. The best thing you can do in this situation is to remove yourself. But this is not easy, because you have to first cope with your feelings and start believing in yourself again. Talk to people who can help. Talk to friends who can understand and support you. Seek out psychological or counselling support, offline or online. Contact helplines, online support centres and NGOs who can provide emotional support, connect you to other services and also assist you in exploring your options.

Take steps if you’re harassed online or are cyberstalked

  • Have a clear, firm discussion with the person stalking you, asking them to stop this behaviour and to stop humiliating and harassing you like that.
  • If the behaviour continues, send them a clear, written warning, explaining that you’ll need to report them if they don’t stop
  • Consider blocking messages from them to give them a message
  • If the abusive behaviour continues report the behaviour to the webmaster of each social media website, asking them to take down the abusive comments
  • Save screenshots of texts, instant messages and social media activity to use them if you decide to report.
  • If the harassment/ stalking continues, get help from the police or the cybercrime unit of the police. 
  • Avoid posting online profiles or messages with details that could track your location.

Plan for safety. If SGBV has reached a point where you are starting to feel unsafe, you need to create a plan of how you can get back to safety. This does not always mean leaving the relationship, or changing schools or jobs, but it means taking the steps necessary that can help make the violence stop. Planning for safety is difficult to do alone because, from within the experience of violence, it is hard to have a clear picture of what exactly you are experiencing and of the risk involved. Talk to someone who can help you create a plan to protect yourself.

Talk to the police and other state services

If you feel unsafe, it is important that you seek institutional support. Seek out legal advice. Some NGOs, community centres, helplines, online support services provide information about your rights, the law and in many cases legal advice as well. Talk to the police. They’re there to protect you. If you reach out to the police, they most likely get social workers involved who can help you with safety planning, i.e. a plan of how you can go back to safety. This involves how you can have support to cope with emotions,  how to reach out to friends and family and talk about the abuse, the legal action you can take and more.

Where to go if you have been living with the abuser and want to leave the abusive situation

Recognizing that there is a problem is the most crucial step in getting help. The second most important thing is for you to know that you’re not alone. If you need to get out fast, you can explore your options. For women, there are shelters where they can seek temporary accommodation. The shelters also usually provide other services such as services for migrants/refuges, legal advice, emotional support, practical help (such as food and clothing), and good security. Social services can also provide temporary housing in some cases. While there are not shelters for all diverse groups of people who are survivors of gender-based violence, you can always reach out to a friend. Get in contact with a trusted family member or a friend and ask if you can stay with them for a while, as you work out your next steps.

If the violence is taking place at school[1]:

A good acronym to remember for standing up against bullying experienced at school is staying SAFE: Standing positive and strong, Avoid the situation, Find support, Express[2] your feelings.

Standing positive and strong. Try to remain confident and not show fear. It is also more effective if you try to keep their ‘cool’ and don’t ‘loose’ it, no matter how mad you may feel. You can respond to the person exercising the abuse by expressing your anger and disapproval in an assertive and not aggressive way, by using ‘I’ statements. For example, you could say: ‘I don’t like what you just said. I feel it is very disrespectful, demeaning and hurtful. I am asking you to stop this behaviour immediately’. Being positive and strong also means that you don’t not retaliate with violence or aggression, no matter how ‘justified’ you feel to do so.  Hurtful behaviour is never the answer to hurtful behaviour.

Avoiding the situation: Your first concern needs to be your safety. Try to avoid the situation as much as you can. For instance, avoid places and situations where you might not be safe, such as areas where there are no other young people or teachers around. Avoid being alone, always walk in the company of others, sit with a group of friends at lunch, walk with someone else to school, don’t go alone in the locker room or the bathroom.

Find support:

You are not alone, and you should not stay alone in this. Seek others who can help. Spend time in the company of people who accept you for who you are and make you feel good about yourself. Find others who have had similar experiences and support each other. Find an online community of people who post positive messages about gender and sexual identity and an online community which can support you. Try new group activities group activities where you may meet new friends who can stick up for you. 

Express your feelings:

Don’t let your feelings bottle up. Keep a diary, journal or notebook where you can vent and express how you feel on a daily basis. Reach out to friends and talk to them about how you feel. Call a helpline, where you can express how you feel anonymously. Talk to the school counsellor or seek psychological services, online or offline which support young people (community centres, youth centres, social services etc.).

Know your rights! Legal context

Every single person has the right to freely express their gender identity and sexual orientation and to have positive, fulfilling, pleasurable and healthy relationships with others without fear, intimidation, coercion, discrimination and abuse. Gender expression and sexuality needs to be a positive and safe experience for all people, one that assures that their sexual rights are safeguarded and that they are in an enabling environment which encourages their physical and psychological wellbeing and supports them to reach their outmost potential. Sexual and gender-based violence constitutes a significant violation of human rights and particularly of the right to equality and non-discrimination, autonomy and bodily integrity, freedom of expression, the right to identity and the right to the highest attainable standard of health. 

Most states have laws or policies designed to protect against all forms of violence, including intimate partner violence, domestic violence, sexual abuse, harassment, bullying, homophobic/transphobic violence, hate crimes and non-consensual pornography. All acts pertaining to gender-based violence violate human rights and in most cases are punishable by law. Every European country has a legal obligation to prevent and combat all forms sexual and gender-based violence. These obligations stem from the following International and European guidelines and conventions, which include inter alia:

[Here we can include links to local laws if it is deemed necessary]

NGOs, online support services, helplines, community centres and youth centres all have information on your rights and can direct you where you can get legal support. They can also provide you with practical support on a range of things including creating a safety plan for yourself, taking legal action (if you need to), housing, financial support, immigration and asylum. They can also direct you to agencies which will be able to help you.

Breaking the isolation and reaching out. Who can help?

When we are experiencing violence, we tend to isolate ourselves from others. This can happen either because of the dynamics of the abuse (the abuser purposively isolating you so they can have more control over you) or perhaps you may feel embarrassed, scared, disempowered, overwhelmed or depressed and have the need to shy away from other people. However, what you are experiencing is a serious violation of your rights and you should not go through this alone. 

Even if you have made the decision to leave a situation where you feel unsafe, it may still be hard and scary. Remember that you should not be alone in this. It is important to break your isolation and reach out to people who can help. If possible, talk to someone you trust, such as a friend, a colleague, a trusted adult, a parent, a teacher, a counsellor. You can also reach more professional services which are often offered for free at a youth centre, a community centre, a community clinic, a shelter, an online support centre, a helpline, a chat line, NGOs or other organizations providing services in sexual and gender-based violence.

Protect your online space

As we are increasing living our lives more and more online, it is important to know how we can remain safe online and how to protect our online space, to minimize the risk of being at the receiving end of unhealthy online behaviours. Some useful tips on to protect your online space include:

  • Monitor your privacy settings so you can choose who follows you and views the photos and videos you share.
  • Turning off your webcam when you’re not using it.
  • Disable your location.
  • Be picky about what you share publicly- certain things you may feel comfortable that it is okay for everyone to see but other posts you can decide to send to a select group of friends or followers.
  • Mute, unfollow or block people who are making negative comments about you or others, or who may have made you feel bad, humiliated, exposed or abused in any way. You can do so without them knowing, as in most social media people don’t get notifications that they have been muted, blocked or unfollowed. By blocking someone, they can no longer view your posts or search for your account.
  • Report abusive content to the social media administration so it can be taken out.
  • Instagram specifically allows you to control who comments on your posts and you can even choose which words, phrases, and emojis you want filtered out when someone puts a comment.
  • The cyberspace can also provide great opportunities for reaching out and finding a supportive community. Follow hashtags that can connect you to positive, inspiring and life-affirming content.
  • Reach out to others who may be experiencing a difficult or challenging time. If you come across a post that makes you worry that someone might hurt themselves, you can report the content to the social media administration so that they can investigate it further and take action. Instagram and Twitter, for instance, will (anonymously) send a message to this person next time they open the app, providing information on available online and hotline resources and will encourage them to seek support.

How to support a friend who is experiencing abuse[3]

It is not easy when a friend reaches out to us and tells us that they are experiencing abuse. We may be scared for them, worried that they may be in danger, feeling awkward because we may know the person(s) exercising this unhealthy behaviour, we may be unsure of what do to, or afraid that if we try to help, we may make things worse. All of these feelings are valid. However, we cannot stay still and impartial. The only way for the cycle of abuse to end is by making an intervention. And trying to help our friend is a significant part of this intervention. Some useful tips of how we can support a friend in an unhealthy/abusive situation include:

  • Tell your friend they don’t deserve this. No one deserves to be treated badly and it is important that they try to deal with this unhealthy situation. 
  • It is very natural that your friend may blame themselves and think that it is their appearance, expression and/or behaviour that is causing the abuse or unhealthy situation. Reassure them that it is not their fault. Any violent act happens because it is the conscious choice of the person exercising the violence and responsibility lies with them.
  • Your friend may feel “guilty” for telling you. They may feel embarrassed, scared or even angry. Be prepared for many different feelings and/or reactions.
  • Honour your friend’s feelings and don’t tell your friend how they should feel. 
  • Don’t make judgments! Find out what your friend wants to do to handle the situation and support them in this process
  • Try not to overreact, you may make your friend feel worse. That’s not helpful. Your focus should be on listening calmly and taking your cues from the person talking
  • Don’t ask unnecessary questions. This isn’t a time to be nosey.
  • Be there. Express your willingness to be there and to support. Show that you are genuinely interested to listen. Avoid giving advice, especially saying ‘If I were you, I would……’. 
  • Avoid giving your friend the impression that they are defenceless and in need of a “protector”. It is important that you ‘don’t take their power away’ but, instead, you empower them to take action.
  • The important thing is to explore with your friend the range of possible options, so they make a decision that is right for them. Allow your friend to make their own decisions, and respect those decisions even if you don’t agree with them.
  • Your friend may be confused and may change their mind. That’s okay!
  • Encourage your friend to get help. Connect them to available resources and people/places where they can receive help both online and offline. Encourage them to report online abuse by pressing the ‘report abuse’ button of the relevant sites. Cyber-abuse can also be reported to cyber-crime police services.
  • Don’t confront the person abusing your friend (if you know them) even in case that your friend thinks it would be helpful. It could make a bad situation even worse. Don’t do anything that would risk your own safety.

How you can react as a bystander[4]

The truth is that it is always difficult to step up and take action against any form of violence. It isn’t easy to challenge someone who is abusive as it could be dangerous, embarrassing (if you’re laughed at or not taken seriously) or could cause fear of losing the person’s friendship. It may feel scary, intimidating, confusing, awkward and uncomfortable to do something. Remember that your comfort will increase the more you practice speaking up. There is no perfect intervention, and there are no instant conversions.  However, in its own accord, every intervention is a success, because every time we speak out, we make the world a safer place, giving out the message that violence and violation of human/sexual rights should not be tolerated. Even though it is not easy to intervene, it is something that we must do. Silence is not an option because it gives the impression that the abusive behaviour is condoned or even acceptable.

Question the people exercising abuse and ask for clarifications. People who express negative, racist, sexist, homophobic/transphobic/interphobic attitudes expect other people to just go along with them, to laugh, to agree, to join in. They do not expect to be questioned. Saying, “I’m not clear about what you mean by that. Maybe you could explain?” or “Hey! What is happening here??” makes people who are being discriminatory/hurtful to pause for a minute and reflect. This changes the flow and the dynamic of the conversation.

Give a face to the person experiencing the abuse: Reminding someone that their sister, friend, colleague, partner etc. might be talked about or treated in this way re-humanizes the person being demeaned.

Use “I” statements: Don’t accuse and don’t point the finger ‘you…you…you’. Talk about how you feel from your own personal perspective using “I Statements” which are easier for people to hear and are less likely to make others defensive. Instead of saying: “YOU are so sexist”, which puts the other in a defensive position, you could say: “I don’t agree with what is happening here/what you’re saying; I believe that nobody deserves to be treated like this”  

React without words: Convey everything you want to say with your body language, eyes, look without having to speak any words. 

Seek others who are like you: Many times you want to react but remain idle because you may believe that you are the only one who feels uncomfortable. By joining forces with others who think like you (the power with -section 9.1),  makes your intervention stronger, more effective and it safer (as you minimize the risk for the people exercising abuse to turn on you). For example, you might simply turn to the group and ask, “Am I the only one feeling uncomfortable with this?” This strategy can also be useful when you know someone who has a pattern of expressing violence-supporting attitudes. 

Your safety comes first: If you witness a violent incident it may be necessary to call the police and also ask for help from people around you. Do not intervene if you are alone and you feel that it could be dangerous for you or that your own physical integrity will be challenged. 

Offer your help: Another useful way to offer help would be to make your presence known so the abuser is aware that there is an eyewitness to their action. You could also offer your help to the person experiencing abuse. This would help them feel safer, but you should also keep in mind that it would be better to talk to them after the incident is over.

Use the “Report Abuse” Button: When you notice abusive online behaviour (hate speech, abusive comments, films or photos that are derogatory, degrading, homophobic, transphobic, interphobic or sexist) do not hesitate to report the abuse and demand that those postings are erased. Most social networks have such a button to report abuse. You can also take a stand by posting your own comments and by pointing out such behaviour as abusive and unacceptable. 

●  14.2. Non formal educational activities on empowering young people to break the cycle of abuse

Voice (it)!

Lights, Camera, Empathy !

Would you step in?

Just do it! Standing up to sexual violence

  1. The following can be turned into a handout and be given out to young people as a reference
  2. Concept and acronym developed by ‘GLSEN’ in the lesson plan ‘Instant replay’. www.glsen.org
  3. Adapted from the manual: GEAR against IPV”. Booklet IV: Students’ Activity Book. (Rev. ed.). Athens: European Anti-Violence Network. Downloadable at https://www.gear-ipv.eu/
  4. Adapted from the manual: GEAR against IPV”. Booklet IV: Students’ Activity Book. (Rev. ed.). Athens: European Anti-Violence Network. Downloadable at https://www.gear-ipv.eu/